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Step into the shoes of Noe Amsel; resident cryptid lover, spider hater, and enthusiastic consumer of on-sale Halloween candy.

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Valeria Andrei (she/they) 

“All I’m thinking about is shredding your throat like barbecue, so talk fast.”

She might be the youngest of our trio, but Valeria certainly believes she has the upper hand. But don't let her pretty face fool you, her bite is far worse than her bark. Though... both leave a pretty nasty sting. She's fucked Dracula, likes poetry, cheating at board games, internet shopping, and warm-blooded murder.

Ilyas Al-Rai (he/him)

“Desperation makes your blood sweeter, so... beg.”


Ilyas is the oldest but definitely not the wisest of the trio, coming in at a solid 2400 years old. Lover of athleisure, Eurodance, lifting weights, and thinking he's the smartest guy in the room. (Spoiler: he's not.) He's big, he's buff, and he's loveable as hell, but you don't want to be his prey. UNLESS...

Laurel Portman (he/they)

"Is there something I can do for you? Yes. Is there something I will do for you? Quite unlikely, but it's worth a shot."


Laurel is pushing 300 and is a lover of Hot Topic, insincerity, and watching their victims bleed out on the floor while they watch TV. He's also a seasoned connoisseur of the backhanded compliment and a force to be reckoned with. Tread lightly. Or not...